Angel Squad 3: Send in the Doughnuts

Time flies, but not, I imagine, if you are an angel. It’s been three years since I last wrote an Angel Squad story, a little bit of daftness I dreamt up back in 2019 during the Tory Leadership election. The second one (you might want to read them first for context) was written early in the pandemic so, given a certain bloke that once waved a kipper about and still got elected is thankfully no longer Prime Minister, nor an MP, it seems right that I have finally written a third. Equally daft, with so much satire and sarcasm that I could actually call this one of my mini-rolls.

The usual caveats apply: I have no idea if angels are left-wing, non-binary, speak like Mel Smith and Gryff Rhys Jones characters from the 1980s or, whether they do dislike otters or people spoiling the last season of Succession.

So just enjoy this daft slice of satire for what it is and try not to start a campaign against me for being anti-otter, pro-lizard or a secret Dodad. And if you are wondering, yes, Douglas Adams with whom I share a birthday, is my hero, although he would not be doing with these angel types for sure.

The Cast

Michael AKA Mikey:  Head of Management

Chamuel AKA Cam:   Relationship Manager

With kind permission from:

Gabriel AKA Gabe:                             Marketing and Comms

Jophiel AKA Joph:                               Data Analyst

Uriel AKA U/the Big U:                     Head of Infrastructure

Raphael AKA Raph:                           Head of Global Wellbeing

Gaia AKA The Mother:        Head of Estates (to be protected at all costs)

Raguel AKA Rag:                                 Legal Department and Righteous Retribution

Mikey’s Office, Heavenly Realms, A Thursday

Cam has asked for an urgent meeting with Mikey. Mikey is sitting at his desk, Cam is opposite attempting to look determined. Mikey reads aloud from Cam’s cloudmail:

“‘…and it is with a heavy heart that I must resign my position as – Oh, Cam, mate. No. Really? Where would you go?”

“I just can’t anymore, Mikey. It’s just too much. These humans, they haven’t just lost the plot, they buried it under 500ft of concrete. I’ve had an offer-“

“Oh no. Not him from the basement? I know we had orders to let him out for a bit…”

“Heavens, no. Never. Mikey. How could you even think that? No, it’s a new business, or enterprise if you will. They want to see if they can start again, some place safe, far far away, a galaxy far far away to be exact.”

“Not with the Space Karen dude? Or the one who flies in his imaginary penis?”

“Who? Oh them, no. No billionaires tech-bros allowed. No humans even. Upstairs, need to figure out where they went wrong there. No, so far it’s me, Rag, Raph, Big U is thinking about it, a porpoise from Costa Rica called Guno, and there’s a couple of single cell organisms in a volcano off the coast of the Philippines that might give it a go.”

“More of the Squad? No. I can’t allow it. Rag has work to do. I have him booked in for some trial work next year in the US with that mad, puffed up orange bloke, you know the one the basement fellas up there have got too pally with. Big U might be needed for that too, and Raph for the clean-up. Gabe though, and the rest of bloody marketing, your enterprising expedition folks can have, and please get them to take them where no-one has gone before. But you, Cam, I can’t do this without you.”

“But Mikey, those humans, angel, are not listening. They do for a bit when we send something that threatens them all like that horrible virus, or populism, or gluten, but it doesn’t take long for them to start tearing chunks out of each other, with those basement fellas on their screens all the time screaming about being chipped by lizard people, reading nonsense posted by troll farms about them secretly controlling the Earth – like the Mother could be controlled by anyone – And I mean, if only they knew, you couldn’t find a nicer being than a lizard. It’s those otters you have to watch out for, oily-furred little buggers, with their stupid stones and silly squeaks. Nothing cute about them when they get their teeth into you and if the humans knew what those squeaks really meant they’d –

“Cam, I think you might have strayed off your point, although you are not wrong about those otters, never heard such language. Even from the Akkadians. Anyway, now I’m doing it. So, let’s see… I think you need a break, my friend. How about a holiday? Before you run off and try and reboot Their great and wise evolution experiment with these Mandalorian types? We could send you to visit those nice Dodad people at their mountain retreat just outside Sirius? They are quite lizard-like so you might like that, eh? Joph has just got back from a conference on ten dimensional planetary computations there. Well, I think they have, but since the Dodads taught Joph during their coffee break how to change the translucency of their angel-skin, we’re not quite sure where they are. Could be in here for all I know. Anyway, we’ll muddle through without you. I’ll get Raph to act up for a bit, take some pressure off. He could do with the experience with what Upstairs have planned….”

“There’s another plan, Mikey? Another one? Can They not finish the first one before making us do another? It’s like the Enlightenment all over again. Has Gabe been up there talking about vision statements and value propositions? Their PowerPoints are getting quite fancy…”

“Ha. Thankfully, no. They had Their fill of that during New Labour. No, I believe they outsourced this one to Her, this time. The Mother. Well, I know they did. Just haven’t been able to tell you yet, it’s all very need to know, you know.”

“Yes. Yes. More than aware, Mikey. Faith, trust, hope, yada yada yada. It’s just just been literally forever. Like really literally. For. Ever.”

“It’s what we signed up for. Me, you and those tiny little amoeba. Granted we didn’t really get their evolution quite right in our projections. That’s on me and Joph, and in particular Joph’s very patchy knowledge of Excel at the time. So, give us a chance, Cam, to figure it out? Go see the Dodads and get some R&R? But please if you do, don’t mention snakes and David Attenborough. Nearly started a galactic war that did as the poor souls were traumatised.”

“I dunno Mikey, mate. It’s a lot to ask. What if they just can’t, you know, evolve?”

“I get it Cam, I would be where you are if – Well, ok, since things are where they are I’ll read you in on something. Am sure Upstairs won’t mind… We’re sending some of “Them” in. You know, the ones from the beginning. And I mean the Beginning.”

“Really? The Real I Am, them? I mean the Real They Are? Them? Aren’t they a bit…um, apocalyptic?”

“Well, that’s the thing, Cam. No, they are not. That’s just one of the humans’ stories that has been shared so much that it’s got more twisted than the original mission of the Tory party. No, They are just going to help them remember. Open hearts, generate discussions, start some groups, share some sandwiches. There’s a couple of scouts already there – something to do with doughnuts…or was it cronuts? Or yumyums? I can’t keep up – But, shh, need to know, Cam. No telling anyone, not even Big U. I know what you two are like. Which reminds me, I still haven’t seen the last two seasons of Succession, or any of Night Lotus for that matter so best keep Big U and big spoiler mouth away from me for a while, eh?”

“Alright Mikey. One last time. But it is the last time. Not like the last time I said the last time. Or the last time I said not like the last time I said the last time. This is The. Last. Time.”

“I hear you. I hear you. Now, go get packed and send Raph in when you see them. Ask them if they, or anyone for that matter, has seen Joph. We’ve got a performance meeting and you won’t be surprised to know that I can’t work the projector.”

“Will do, Mikey. Will give the Dodads your best. Looking forward to be a bit of pampering to be honest. Stretch the angel- skin, re-illuminate my inner light, calm my infinite soulbeing.”

“That’s the stuff. Oh and Cam, remember, for the sake of universal peace and me spending all day on the stand at the Federation Tribunal, DO NOT mention the snakes…”

*****

If you are wondering what nearly caused a galactic war, it was this. Don’t say you weren’t warned.