Today I made choice to fill in a form. I signed my name and wrote a cheque (a cheque!?!). Doesn’t sound like much I know but it was actually a profound moment. I closed my Limited company of 7 years. I had previously decided to keep it open and with it, my options. That was sensible, choosing a new path with a shortcut back to the old one always mapped out. But as I have realised, this is not the real me. That short cut has served to keep me from venturing far enough, being brave enough because I know I can always go back to what is safe and comfortable.
So today’s bureaucracy is symbolic. It represents deliberately removing the option of a short cut.
Sounds contradictory to what I’ve said about my Aries ascendant doesn’t it? Well thats because it is. And because I am, deeply contradictory. I believe we all are. I don’t think life is that tidy no matter how much we try and make it so.
I do however think what can make the difference is, what I’ve heard termed, conscious choice, and the more I know myself and my motivations the more I can channel those qualities like the Aries ascendant to help me move forward. I can channel my Moon in Virgo when I want to be organised and practical, and channel my Pisces Sun when I want to dive into my dreams.
Previously these qualities have been the tools of my ego doing its best to protect me from harm. Unknowingly I’ve rushed into things without thinking, criticised myself and focused on the detail rather than the bigger picture and lost myself in unhealthy habits.
But I’m not practically-perfect-in-everyway, its still going to take hard work and falling over. I have to create those new connections in my brain that allow me to be brave and challenge that ego. And no doubt I’ll get it wrong as much as a get it right.
So whilst that work is in motion, I’ll send off my form, take a deep breath and choose to let go.