Owned

Work progress has continued its comfortable pace today – slow, steady and moving forward. I have arranged my first official meeting to talk to a support organisation about how they can help and I am continuing to draft out my thoughts in some form of (dare i say it) plan.

But that’s not what I want to write about today. Because today has been a moving forward of a different kind.
And I think maybe a breakthrough. Or at least the start of one…

I’ve been doing some astrology work with a friend and I had in my head that I had to finish  a piece of work for her today. Not in her head mind you, just mine. I recognised that i was a little tired today and I might struggle. And it started to make me a little anxious, and I started taking shallower breaths and then ego saw its opportunity to get in there and stir up some dramatic imagined future that was not there. And. And. And.

Stress. Shame. Fear.

Why? Because I made a commitment and it wasn’t looking like I could deliver.  So I stopped, and asked myself what was going on. And of course I knew.  Because the one thing I haven’t figured out yet is the all encompassing, reprise of the fear, no dread, I have of letting people down.

This is the flipside of Pisces. The dark little fishy. Pisces, helpful at its core, when accused, either by an actual or imaginary person, can’t bear it. It goes against everything it stands for. Its very reason for existence. And reacts badly. Ruled by Neptune imagination can take it some dark and scary places and can help manifest real dis-ease. Physical, emotional, mental imbalance. All from fear.

Saturn plays a large part in fear too and today transit Mercury is in league with my natal Saturn bringing up and focusing me on these uncomfortable thoughts.  But they are coming up for a reason. To teach me, to show me that this is a fear I can move past. Work through.

Helpfulitis. People pleasing. Being a pushover. Doormat. Call it what you will. It’s about owning it.
Because only then can you start the real work.

This post was inspired by Depression Awareness week and the fantastic work by Time to Change.  Opening up and sharing in such a public way these fears and anxieties is an entirely uncomfortable experience for me but my intuition guides me to share in the hope that others share too.