When I was a child I used to love those paper-folding “chatterboxes”. The snip-snapping of the folded paper, the anticipation of what would I would find after I chose a random number or colour, the layers to be unfolded and the final “statement of truth” that would be revealed to me, which depending on who I played the game with could be “you smell” or “you have nice hair”. Such were the highs and lows of life in my childhood group of friends.
Some four decades later I can see that this childhood version of origami creates a very useful analogy for where I find myself today, the story unfolding that will lead to the statement of truth. Although this chatterbox contains almost infinite folds of choice and experience which, if you can view it this way, is all part of the fun.
This year has been odd. Just plain odd. A good word in itself as saying and writing of the word can bring the feeling of life. It jars, it stops the flow and everything about it seems out of synch.
I really did not think I would be here on the other side of my long-held Piscean dreamy-dream of having and running my very own crystal shop. This dream being the much sought after destination-happiness I had been craving all my life. And the realisation that this happiness, whilst experienced in a fleeting sense, did not continue threw me out of orbit into the furthest reach of the stars.
Somewhere around May/June this year those stars looked so unknown and so alien to me that I got very lost. I lost my bearings, my will and my understanding of the world. Nothing made sense and I tried to cling to the dream of a familiar role that our society espouses as valid and useful for us women, Motherhood. But at 46 this proved to be a tall order and taller than any heights I could attempt to climb. And in sheer frustration, grief and confusion my usual happy-go-lucky, get-on-with-it state completely had totally dissolved leaving a hot, raw, molten mess of anger and disappointment so powerful that I managed to actually physically and mentally declare war on my body; in my mind at the time, a useless, unproductive, hostile, pathetic lump that either could not or would not do what I wanted it to do.
But fear not, this piece of writing is not meant to elicit your sympathy, empathy or shock because that was then, when the piece of paper from this particular chatterbox was folded over and I had yet to choose to reveal what was next.
Somewhere under this lava-like disturbance sat my intuition. Silently and carefully it guided me to seek help and it whispered to keep going, keep feeling, keep breathing and you will find your way back again. Thankfully, spoiler alert, I did or rather I have. How I got back again is a story for another time to give the process the space and exploration it deserves. However today’s tale is more about those subtle energies underneath than the practical steps taken to aid recovery.
I have often described our intuition as the quiet voice that is underneath it all. It being our true and full self. Instinct, I see differently as the reptilian or reflex reponse to a situation which is neither good nor bad but does not necessarily indicate our wisest choice. Ego, next, and again neither good nor bad, I see as a mix of our instinct and intellect, constantly reviewing all available data for threats and threat response. And being a clever sort ego can then add further layers to our self offering judgment, criticism or even encouragement to our initial responses so we don’t always get to hear that quiet voice within. When we do hear it, its words are calm and soft without fear or recrimination and somehow we “know” that it is right, that is, right for us.
Accessing my intuition, knowing that I am being guided to stay true to myself, to take care of myself and to continue on this path, is something that is core to who I am and how I see the world. It’s also brought me here, through one of the darkest and scariest periods of my life, to a place where I can see daylight, or to complete my starry analogy where I have been restored to a high orbit.
Why? Because my intuition told me something that I always knew to be the case and had forgotten: “Let go, allow everything to unfold as it is meant to, for your highest good, for what is right for you” That guiding principle has been the subtle current underneath that has kept me going. The next layer has been unfolded carefully, gently but very deliberately, and the game continues.